SAT考場(chǎng)11分考生優(yōu)秀作文點(diǎn)評(píng)

下面這篇文章是考場(chǎng)作文，得分11分。這位學(xué)員的優(yōu)點(diǎn)是思路清晰，兩個(gè)例子都十分切題，而且細(xì)節(jié)充實(shí)到位。我們看具體的解析：

開頭段：

believe leaders should follow their own convictions instead of submitting to the public.

直接提出自己的觀點(diǎn)。

The reason is that leaders usually have more insightful opinions which can promote the society and benefit the majority. Because they are leaders, they have the ability to lead us to a goal, they should follow their own will instead of manipulated by ours.

這一部分是這個(gè)開頭比較有亮點(diǎn)的地方。雖然語言上不能說出彩，但是對(duì)于題目的分析是十分到位的，明確地在提出了自己的觀點(diǎn)之后說出了自己持有這一觀點(diǎn)的原因。

The examples of South Africa’s civil leader Mandela and the former CEO of Apple Corporation can demonstrate my point of view.

引出下文的例子。

在開頭段的寫作中，根本的目的無非是把觀點(diǎn)拿出來。但是很多同學(xué)感到迷茫的是在拿出觀點(diǎn)之后要說些什么。這位同學(xué)的做法就是值得借鑒的。不需要多么復(fù)雜，出彩的語句，重要的是去對(duì)自己的觀點(diǎn)進(jìn)行分析，說明自己持有觀點(diǎn)背后的原因。這樣的邏輯分析，既能夠展現(xiàn)自己的critical thinking，同時(shí)也是為下文中進(jìn)行例子的描寫做好了鋪墊。整篇文章會(huì)顯得更加緊湊和前后呼應(yīng)。

主體段一：

Social leaders, no matter how public’s reaction, should follow their own wills in order to reach the goal that will benefit all of us. Take South Africa’s leader Mandela for example.

點(diǎn)明所用例子的領(lǐng)域，為了下文中表現(xiàn)不同領(lǐng)域的例子層次做出鋪墊。

He was well-known for his leadership on civil right before he was incarcerated and had lots of supporters. However, after 27 years in jail, he was released as an old man, he still wanted to lead the South African people to overcome the segregation. Most people at that time told him to give up this goal and tried to persuade him to enjoy his life instead of working so hard for the people. Some of them even sarcastically said then Mandela was too old to lead the whole country and did not have the ability to be a leader.

交代事件的時(shí)代背景，并且明確指出public opinion是什么。對(duì)public opinion的描寫，是為了下面寫主人公堅(jiān)持做準(zhǔn)備;寫別人的誤解和批評(píng)，更能體現(xiàn)主人公對(duì)自己的堅(jiān)持。

Mandela, however, ignored all those public opinions and worked on his own will. He appealed to the world and all kinds of organizations to break the segregation. Regardless of his hard work, he still received negative persuasion from.

正式開始寫主人公的堅(jiān)持己見。在這個(gè)過程中又再次用遭到誤解來體現(xiàn)堅(jiān)持的難得。

But finally, after years of working and struggle, this great man finally achieve the goal, make the segregation and promoted harmony in the society, and gained people’s respect.

后的結(jié)果，即成功。

If he had listened to other’s opinion and given up, there will not be such an achievement nowadays. Thus leaders should follow their own convictions instead of listening to others.

進(jìn)行邏輯假設(shè)和總結(jié)，強(qiáng)調(diào)領(lǐng)袖堅(jiān)持己見的重要性。

本段的優(yōu)點(diǎn)就在于對(duì)題目中各個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞的體現(xiàn)。對(duì)大眾的觀點(diǎn)進(jìn)行比較詳細(xì)的描寫，同時(shí)又用這種大眾的觀點(diǎn)來反襯主人公的堅(jiān)持不懈。這個(gè)題目本身也比較簡(jiǎn)單，按照挑戰(zhàn)權(quán)威的邏輯，用可以作為leader的主人公來寫就沒有大問題的。但是要把這種簡(jiǎn)單的題目寫好，細(xì)節(jié)是否能夠做到充實(shí)就非常體現(xiàn)差距了。

主體段二：

Besides in society, a leader in business can also make brilliant decisions for their companies, whether how ridiculous those opinions seem to be to others. That is why leaders in business should follow their own decisions.

呼應(yīng)上一個(gè)主體段，點(diǎn)出兩個(gè)例子之間領(lǐng)域的差異，體現(xiàn)層次感。

As a former CEO in Apple company, Steve Jobs exposed to research on their own computer system instead of following the Microsoft’s, which was objected by the whole company. What’s worse, Steve Job’s was even kicked out from his company.

邏輯和上一個(gè)主體段沒有什么區(qū)別，還是先陳述他人的觀點(diǎn)是什么。

Nevertheless, in the meantime, Jobs didn’t forget his goal. After years of persistence, his regained his opponents’ respects by showing them his own Mac system, which in some way more superior and efficient than Microsoft’s. Thus, Steve Jobs led the whole company on the Mac system and sold them on the market. Nowadays, we can see how popular Apple computers are and how many people fond of using Mac system instead of Microsoft.

喬布斯的堅(jiān)持和后的成功，細(xì)節(jié)體現(xiàn)。

Jobs’ decisions prove to be right and lucrative. Therefore, we can conclude that a leader should indeed follow their own wills no matter what others say.

總結(jié)論證。

和上一段相比，本段的敘事邏輯和順序沒有什么變化。對(duì)于他人的觀點(diǎn)的敘述沒有上一段那么的具體，但是在已有第一個(gè)主體段的高質(zhì)量作為**的前提下，也無傷大雅。

結(jié)尾段：

From the two cases, it can be concluded that a leader should follow their own decisions and opinions no matter in business or in politics.

結(jié)尾段，首先對(duì)全文進(jìn)行總結(jié)，且是在上文的兩個(gè)領(lǐng)域間的層次進(jìn)行總結(jié)。

In general, in all fields in our lives leaders should do the same because they are leaders, they have better decisions than ordinary people, thus they should indeed follow them but not listening to others’.

這個(gè)結(jié)尾的亮點(diǎn)，在于對(duì)于前文的兩個(gè)領(lǐng)域進(jìn)行進(jìn)一步的擴(kuò)充，將簡(jiǎn)單的兩個(gè)領(lǐng)域擴(kuò)充到了生活中的所有領(lǐng)域。這樣的擴(kuò)充雖然也不能說十分的完善，但是已經(jīng)能夠看出作者對(duì)于自己所用的邏輯的準(zhǔn)確把握。

這個(gè)結(jié)尾段，也值得大家借鑒。前文雖然有兩個(gè)不同領(lǐng)域這樣的層次(這種不同領(lǐng)域的層次也是大家寫作的時(shí)候常用的)，但是經(jīng)不起推敲——這個(gè)世界上只有這兩個(gè)領(lǐng)域嗎?所以如果能在結(jié)尾去把這個(gè)小漏洞給補(bǔ)上，文章會(huì)顯得更無懈可擊。

總的來說，這是一篇非常典型的11分的文章。首先對(duì)題目的把握到位，對(duì)自己的critical thinking有所體現(xiàn)，對(duì)題中的每個(gè)關(guān)鍵詞都運(yùn)用了充實(shí)的細(xì)節(jié)，后也做到了將自己的論述推廣為general knowledge。美中不足的是，文中有一些包括單詞拼寫、詞性搭配等一些小的語法錯(cuò)誤的瑕疵。如果作者能夠減少這些不必要的錯(cuò)誤的出現(xiàn)，并一定程度上增加長(zhǎng)難句的出現(xiàn)頻率，這篇文章是有實(shí)力沖擊滿分的。